Today's Epiphany

The first year or so after the separation and get (Jewish divorce) I felt very energized. I had finally made the break, and felt open to many new possibilities.

One difficult aspect of that period was that I was still living in the same community as RJ (I wanted to be near our youngest child, a teen-aged boy who elected to live with RJ).

Then I moved back to Israel, where all the other children were at the time.

The first few months, the adrenaline kept flowing. It was almost like making aliyah all over again. I had to deal with lots of bureaucracy, find a house, and find a job.

Now, 6 months later, things are sort of settling down, and I'm feeling pretty enervated.

My epiphany is that while dealing with RJ all those years was exceedingly difficult, it still provided a goal for me, whether it was just keeping going, cleaning up after his messes, or talking with professional or friends about how to deal with all his crap.

It was sort of Sisyphean, rolling the boulder up the hill every day, only to find it at the bottom the next morning, but it was something to do.

I think I may be going through some sort of mourning process now that all that is mostly gone, and I have to find a better way to determine my new goals.

Part of me just wants to rest, glide, take it easy for a while. Part of me is afraid that the pattern I developed during the many years of abuse of closing parts of myself off is continuing, and if I don't get a handle on it soon, I'll be in trouble.

On the other hand, I have achieved a lot in the past 6 months: moving/returning to Israel, new job, singing in a chorus, classes in Jewish meditation/prayer/healing.

Although I've stopped my psychotherapy (I do believe that everyone can benefit from therapy, and part of me would like to continue forever, but I can't afford it right now), I have been using the services of a life coach.