Lashon Hara (literally bad speech/tongue or gossip)
While I agree wholeheartedly with the overall idea that gossip should be avoided, I know that in my zeal to be an obedient, good girl, I didn't tell people about my situation for years, and I think that for emotionally fragile/unhealthy people, these laws can have an unintended negative effect. If you have unclear boundaries, knowing when to tell can be difficult.
Also, I wonder exactly how unintended this effect is. In cases of clergy abuse of congregants, it helps keep the old boy network safe. Even in the case of clergy inflicted spousal abuse, it helps to not get the work out that it exists, and here we get back to the issue of Kavod Hatorah mentioned earlier, and the issue of respecting rabbis just for being rabbis, which the rabbi old boy network seems to encourage.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
ddeear rehab plan
So, now that I've gone through the catharsis of those first few posts, what's the rehab plan from here?
1) Physical - get back to exercising 1/2 hour/day
Food plan - 15oo calories/day
Low sugar/grains (< 25 grams/day)
2) Spiritual - meditate 10 minutes/day
3) Social - Call/e-mail/see 1 friend/week
4) Emotional - Challenge myself to go out of my comfort zone in one way every day.
1) Physical - get back to exercising 1/2 hour/day
Food plan - 15oo calories/day
Low sugar/grains (< 25 grams/day)
2) Spiritual - meditate 10 minutes/day
3) Social - Call/e-mail/see 1 friend/week
4) Emotional - Challenge myself to go out of my comfort zone in one way every day.
הרחק משכן רע ואל תתחבר לרשע
Once, one of our then teen-aged daughters showed me a sefer that included a commentary on the quote from Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) "הרחק משכן רע ואל תתחבר לרשע" - "Stay far away from a bad neighbor and do not connect yourself to an evil person ."
The author of the book, HaRav Baharan zt"l, asked whether it should not be reversed - "Don't become connected to a bad neighbor, and stay far away from an evil person"?
He answered that an evil person is someone who exhibits some sort of objectionable behavior, but if you know what you believe in, while you may not wish to maintain a close connection with this person, you need not necessarily stay far away.
A bad neighbor, however, is someone in whose presence your self-esteem is diminished, and that is someone you must stay far away from, for he may affect you in a far more harmful way.
Daughter's comment: Is that the way abba (daddy) makes you feel?
The author of the book, HaRav Baharan zt"l, asked whether it should not be reversed - "Don't become connected to a bad neighbor, and stay far away from an evil person"?
He answered that an evil person is someone who exhibits some sort of objectionable behavior, but if you know what you believe in, while you may not wish to maintain a close connection with this person, you need not necessarily stay far away.
A bad neighbor, however, is someone in whose presence your self-esteem is diminished, and that is someone you must stay far away from, for he may affect you in a far more harmful way.
Daughter's comment: Is that the way abba (daddy) makes you feel?
Today's Epiphany
The first year or so after the separation and get (Jewish divorce) I felt very energized. I had finally made the break, and felt open to many new possibilities.
One difficult aspect of that period was that I was still living in the same community as RJ (I wanted to be near our youngest child, a teen-aged boy who elected to live with RJ).
Then I moved back to Israel, where all the other children were at the time.
The first few months, the adrenaline kept flowing. It was almost like making aliyah all over again. I had to deal with lots of bureaucracy, find a house, and find a job.
Now, 6 months later, things are sort of settling down, and I'm feeling pretty enervated.
My epiphany is that while dealing with RJ all those years was exceedingly difficult, it still provided a goal for me, whether it was just keeping going, cleaning up after his messes, or talking with professional or friends about how to deal with all his crap.
It was sort of Sisyphean, rolling the boulder up the hill every day, only to find it at the bottom the next morning, but it was something to do.
I think I may be going through some sort of mourning process now that all that is mostly gone, and I have to find a better way to determine my new goals.
Part of me just wants to rest, glide, take it easy for a while. Part of me is afraid that the pattern I developed during the many years of abuse of closing parts of myself off is continuing, and if I don't get a handle on it soon, I'll be in trouble.
On the other hand, I have achieved a lot in the past 6 months: moving/returning to Israel, new job, singing in a chorus, classes in Jewish meditation/prayer/healing.
Although I've stopped my psychotherapy (I do believe that everyone can benefit from therapy, and part of me would like to continue forever, but I can't afford it right now), I have been using the services of a life coach.
One difficult aspect of that period was that I was still living in the same community as RJ (I wanted to be near our youngest child, a teen-aged boy who elected to live with RJ).
Then I moved back to Israel, where all the other children were at the time.
The first few months, the adrenaline kept flowing. It was almost like making aliyah all over again. I had to deal with lots of bureaucracy, find a house, and find a job.
Now, 6 months later, things are sort of settling down, and I'm feeling pretty enervated.
My epiphany is that while dealing with RJ all those years was exceedingly difficult, it still provided a goal for me, whether it was just keeping going, cleaning up after his messes, or talking with professional or friends about how to deal with all his crap.
It was sort of Sisyphean, rolling the boulder up the hill every day, only to find it at the bottom the next morning, but it was something to do.
I think I may be going through some sort of mourning process now that all that is mostly gone, and I have to find a better way to determine my new goals.
Part of me just wants to rest, glide, take it easy for a while. Part of me is afraid that the pattern I developed during the many years of abuse of closing parts of myself off is continuing, and if I don't get a handle on it soon, I'll be in trouble.
On the other hand, I have achieved a lot in the past 6 months: moving/returning to Israel, new job, singing in a chorus, classes in Jewish meditation/prayer/healing.
Although I've stopped my psychotherapy (I do believe that everyone can benefit from therapy, and part of me would like to continue forever, but I can't afford it right now), I have been using the services of a life coach.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
How all this has affected my feelings towards organized religion
I don't think this has anything to do with Judaism, per se.
I do think it has something to do with organized religion.
I think that people who have personality issues/disorders that involve a need to be idolized and to control others are drawn to positions that serve those needs. The rabbinate happens to be that sort of position.
During my time as Rebbezin Jekyll, I met many rabbis who had character traits similar to Rabbi J's.
There was a period when we were the only family of staff living in the community in which his yeshiva was located, and on Rosh Hashanah, the other families would stay over in the community and come to our house on one of the afternoons. The rabbis would discuss their students, and the discussion included such delightful descriptions as "mental paraplegics." there would also be kvetching about not being afforded enough "kavod hatorah" (honoring the Torah, which, by extension involves honoring teachers of Torah) by the students.
This leads to another issue I have with organized religion. I think most religions expect teachers of the tradition to be honored merely for being just that. I understand why this is done, and it probably works in many cases, but not in the case of personality disordered clergy.
Since Orthodox Judaism (aka Rabbinic Judaism) involves relying on decisions made by rabbis, both or our generation and in the past, I'm having trouble dealing with that.
So, I would say that I'm having trouble dealing with a number of aspects of organized religion, some related to my marriage, some not so much, and am not sure quite where I stand these days religiously.
I do think it has something to do with organized religion.
I think that people who have personality issues/disorders that involve a need to be idolized and to control others are drawn to positions that serve those needs. The rabbinate happens to be that sort of position.
During my time as Rebbezin Jekyll, I met many rabbis who had character traits similar to Rabbi J's.
There was a period when we were the only family of staff living in the community in which his yeshiva was located, and on Rosh Hashanah, the other families would stay over in the community and come to our house on one of the afternoons. The rabbis would discuss their students, and the discussion included such delightful descriptions as "mental paraplegics." there would also be kvetching about not being afforded enough "kavod hatorah" (honoring the Torah, which, by extension involves honoring teachers of Torah) by the students.
This leads to another issue I have with organized religion. I think most religions expect teachers of the tradition to be honored merely for being just that. I understand why this is done, and it probably works in many cases, but not in the case of personality disordered clergy.
Since Orthodox Judaism (aka Rabbinic Judaism) involves relying on decisions made by rabbis, both or our generation and in the past, I'm having trouble dealing with that.
So, I would say that I'm having trouble dealing with a number of aspects of organized religion, some related to my marriage, some not so much, and am not sure quite where I stand these days religiously.
Rabbi Jekyll's public persona
An excerpt from shul public relations material:
"Rabbi Jekyll is Education Director at ***.
He is a tireless teacher and educator.
For over 30 years he has taught students from third grade and up and conducted many classes for teens and adults.
Prior to joining ***, he served as director and teacher at ***.
In his varied career dedicated to promoting Yiddishkeit, he has served as Regional Director of ***, Rebbe in Talmud, Bible and World History at *** and taught grades 3-8 at the ***.
In addition, he has taught in the Hebrew High School of ***, was Bible Instructor at *** in Jerusalem. He also served as Jewish Agency Shaliach to ***.
Rabbi Jekyll loves to teach and has taught classes in the weekly parshah, Jewish history and philosophy in all of the communities where he has lived.
His range of topics for all ages is very diversified - telling Bible stories to preschoolers to Kosher Cooking. "
My comment : He can really talk the talk, he just can't walk the walk.
"Rabbi Jekyll is Education Director at ***.
He is a tireless teacher and educator.
For over 30 years he has taught students from third grade and up and conducted many classes for teens and adults.
Prior to joining ***, he served as director and teacher at ***.
In his varied career dedicated to promoting Yiddishkeit, he has served as Regional Director of ***, Rebbe in Talmud, Bible and World History at *** and taught grades 3-8 at the ***.
In addition, he has taught in the Hebrew High School of ***, was Bible Instructor at *** in Jerusalem. He also served as Jewish Agency Shaliach to ***.
Rabbi Jekyll loves to teach and has taught classes in the weekly parshah, Jewish history and philosophy in all of the communities where he has lived.
His range of topics for all ages is very diversified - telling Bible stories to preschoolers to Kosher Cooking. "
My comment : He can really talk the talk, he just can't walk the walk.
How I got myself into this in the first place and why I stayed for so long
I was still a rebellious teenager when I married him. I rebelled by becoming more religiously observant than my parents.
I grew up in a family that was part of the Modern Orthodox community, but in many ways didn't follow the rules.
Our house was basically kosher, but we ate at non-kosher restaurants. We mostly folllowed the rules about keeping Shabbat according to halacha, except when we didn't.
My mother came from a non-observant home, and found the family purity laws to be disgusting, so my parents didn't adhere to them.
I was sent to a Modern Orthodox day school and found it upsetting to spend months studying things such as birkat hanehenin (blessings said before eating food, mostly) only to have my father tell me that it was not our minhag (custom) to say them.
I was upset that my parents lived in a large community with many opportunities to learn more about religion, but never bothered availed themselves of these opportunities.
I started a youth group in my shul, and Mr. Jekyll (he didn't yet have smicha - ordination) came to be our madrich (leader).
I was very attracted to him both intellectually and physically. I thought that he was a person who was truly interested in seriously studying and observing Judaism - just what I wanted.
I craved approval. I thought that by marrying someone who knew the rules and followed, if I followed them, too, I would get that approval.
Somehow, the approval and love of God, my father, and my husband, all got confused.
I think that deep down, when RJ started showing interest in me, I thought that if anyone would want me, I had better grab them. Deep down, I FELT FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
And the thing that really worries me now is that deep down, even after years of therapy, I STILL FEEL FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
I grew up in a family that was part of the Modern Orthodox community, but in many ways didn't follow the rules.
Our house was basically kosher, but we ate at non-kosher restaurants. We mostly folllowed the rules about keeping Shabbat according to halacha, except when we didn't.
My mother came from a non-observant home, and found the family purity laws to be disgusting, so my parents didn't adhere to them.
I was sent to a Modern Orthodox day school and found it upsetting to spend months studying things such as birkat hanehenin (blessings said before eating food, mostly) only to have my father tell me that it was not our minhag (custom) to say them.
I was upset that my parents lived in a large community with many opportunities to learn more about religion, but never bothered availed themselves of these opportunities.
I started a youth group in my shul, and Mr. Jekyll (he didn't yet have smicha - ordination) came to be our madrich (leader).
I was very attracted to him both intellectually and physically. I thought that he was a person who was truly interested in seriously studying and observing Judaism - just what I wanted.
I craved approval. I thought that by marrying someone who knew the rules and followed, if I followed them, too, I would get that approval.
Somehow, the approval and love of God, my father, and my husband, all got confused.
I think that deep down, when RJ started showing interest in me, I thought that if anyone would want me, I had better grab them. Deep down, I FELT FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
And the thing that really worries me now is that deep down, even after years of therapy, I STILL FEEL FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
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