Lashon Hara (literally bad speech/tongue or gossip)
While I agree wholeheartedly with the overall idea that gossip should be avoided, I know that in my zeal to be an obedient, good girl, I didn't tell people about my situation for years, and I think that for emotionally fragile/unhealthy people, these laws can have an unintended negative effect. If you have unclear boundaries, knowing when to tell can be difficult.
Also, I wonder exactly how unintended this effect is. In cases of clergy abuse of congregants, it helps keep the old boy network safe. Even in the case of clergy inflicted spousal abuse, it helps to not get the work out that it exists, and here we get back to the issue of Kavod Hatorah mentioned earlier, and the issue of respecting rabbis just for being rabbis, which the rabbi old boy network seems to encourage.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
ddeear rehab plan
So, now that I've gone through the catharsis of those first few posts, what's the rehab plan from here?
1) Physical - get back to exercising 1/2 hour/day
Food plan - 15oo calories/day
Low sugar/grains (< 25 grams/day)
2) Spiritual - meditate 10 minutes/day
3) Social - Call/e-mail/see 1 friend/week
4) Emotional - Challenge myself to go out of my comfort zone in one way every day.
1) Physical - get back to exercising 1/2 hour/day
Food plan - 15oo calories/day
Low sugar/grains (< 25 grams/day)
2) Spiritual - meditate 10 minutes/day
3) Social - Call/e-mail/see 1 friend/week
4) Emotional - Challenge myself to go out of my comfort zone in one way every day.
הרחק משכן רע ואל תתחבר לרשע
Once, one of our then teen-aged daughters showed me a sefer that included a commentary on the quote from Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) "הרחק משכן רע ואל תתחבר לרשע" - "Stay far away from a bad neighbor and do not connect yourself to an evil person ."
The author of the book, HaRav Baharan zt"l, asked whether it should not be reversed - "Don't become connected to a bad neighbor, and stay far away from an evil person"?
He answered that an evil person is someone who exhibits some sort of objectionable behavior, but if you know what you believe in, while you may not wish to maintain a close connection with this person, you need not necessarily stay far away.
A bad neighbor, however, is someone in whose presence your self-esteem is diminished, and that is someone you must stay far away from, for he may affect you in a far more harmful way.
Daughter's comment: Is that the way abba (daddy) makes you feel?
The author of the book, HaRav Baharan zt"l, asked whether it should not be reversed - "Don't become connected to a bad neighbor, and stay far away from an evil person"?
He answered that an evil person is someone who exhibits some sort of objectionable behavior, but if you know what you believe in, while you may not wish to maintain a close connection with this person, you need not necessarily stay far away.
A bad neighbor, however, is someone in whose presence your self-esteem is diminished, and that is someone you must stay far away from, for he may affect you in a far more harmful way.
Daughter's comment: Is that the way abba (daddy) makes you feel?
Today's Epiphany
The first year or so after the separation and get (Jewish divorce) I felt very energized. I had finally made the break, and felt open to many new possibilities.
One difficult aspect of that period was that I was still living in the same community as RJ (I wanted to be near our youngest child, a teen-aged boy who elected to live with RJ).
Then I moved back to Israel, where all the other children were at the time.
The first few months, the adrenaline kept flowing. It was almost like making aliyah all over again. I had to deal with lots of bureaucracy, find a house, and find a job.
Now, 6 months later, things are sort of settling down, and I'm feeling pretty enervated.
My epiphany is that while dealing with RJ all those years was exceedingly difficult, it still provided a goal for me, whether it was just keeping going, cleaning up after his messes, or talking with professional or friends about how to deal with all his crap.
It was sort of Sisyphean, rolling the boulder up the hill every day, only to find it at the bottom the next morning, but it was something to do.
I think I may be going through some sort of mourning process now that all that is mostly gone, and I have to find a better way to determine my new goals.
Part of me just wants to rest, glide, take it easy for a while. Part of me is afraid that the pattern I developed during the many years of abuse of closing parts of myself off is continuing, and if I don't get a handle on it soon, I'll be in trouble.
On the other hand, I have achieved a lot in the past 6 months: moving/returning to Israel, new job, singing in a chorus, classes in Jewish meditation/prayer/healing.
Although I've stopped my psychotherapy (I do believe that everyone can benefit from therapy, and part of me would like to continue forever, but I can't afford it right now), I have been using the services of a life coach.
One difficult aspect of that period was that I was still living in the same community as RJ (I wanted to be near our youngest child, a teen-aged boy who elected to live with RJ).
Then I moved back to Israel, where all the other children were at the time.
The first few months, the adrenaline kept flowing. It was almost like making aliyah all over again. I had to deal with lots of bureaucracy, find a house, and find a job.
Now, 6 months later, things are sort of settling down, and I'm feeling pretty enervated.
My epiphany is that while dealing with RJ all those years was exceedingly difficult, it still provided a goal for me, whether it was just keeping going, cleaning up after his messes, or talking with professional or friends about how to deal with all his crap.
It was sort of Sisyphean, rolling the boulder up the hill every day, only to find it at the bottom the next morning, but it was something to do.
I think I may be going through some sort of mourning process now that all that is mostly gone, and I have to find a better way to determine my new goals.
Part of me just wants to rest, glide, take it easy for a while. Part of me is afraid that the pattern I developed during the many years of abuse of closing parts of myself off is continuing, and if I don't get a handle on it soon, I'll be in trouble.
On the other hand, I have achieved a lot in the past 6 months: moving/returning to Israel, new job, singing in a chorus, classes in Jewish meditation/prayer/healing.
Although I've stopped my psychotherapy (I do believe that everyone can benefit from therapy, and part of me would like to continue forever, but I can't afford it right now), I have been using the services of a life coach.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
How all this has affected my feelings towards organized religion
I don't think this has anything to do with Judaism, per se.
I do think it has something to do with organized religion.
I think that people who have personality issues/disorders that involve a need to be idolized and to control others are drawn to positions that serve those needs. The rabbinate happens to be that sort of position.
During my time as Rebbezin Jekyll, I met many rabbis who had character traits similar to Rabbi J's.
There was a period when we were the only family of staff living in the community in which his yeshiva was located, and on Rosh Hashanah, the other families would stay over in the community and come to our house on one of the afternoons. The rabbis would discuss their students, and the discussion included such delightful descriptions as "mental paraplegics." there would also be kvetching about not being afforded enough "kavod hatorah" (honoring the Torah, which, by extension involves honoring teachers of Torah) by the students.
This leads to another issue I have with organized religion. I think most religions expect teachers of the tradition to be honored merely for being just that. I understand why this is done, and it probably works in many cases, but not in the case of personality disordered clergy.
Since Orthodox Judaism (aka Rabbinic Judaism) involves relying on decisions made by rabbis, both or our generation and in the past, I'm having trouble dealing with that.
So, I would say that I'm having trouble dealing with a number of aspects of organized religion, some related to my marriage, some not so much, and am not sure quite where I stand these days religiously.
I do think it has something to do with organized religion.
I think that people who have personality issues/disorders that involve a need to be idolized and to control others are drawn to positions that serve those needs. The rabbinate happens to be that sort of position.
During my time as Rebbezin Jekyll, I met many rabbis who had character traits similar to Rabbi J's.
There was a period when we were the only family of staff living in the community in which his yeshiva was located, and on Rosh Hashanah, the other families would stay over in the community and come to our house on one of the afternoons. The rabbis would discuss their students, and the discussion included such delightful descriptions as "mental paraplegics." there would also be kvetching about not being afforded enough "kavod hatorah" (honoring the Torah, which, by extension involves honoring teachers of Torah) by the students.
This leads to another issue I have with organized religion. I think most religions expect teachers of the tradition to be honored merely for being just that. I understand why this is done, and it probably works in many cases, but not in the case of personality disordered clergy.
Since Orthodox Judaism (aka Rabbinic Judaism) involves relying on decisions made by rabbis, both or our generation and in the past, I'm having trouble dealing with that.
So, I would say that I'm having trouble dealing with a number of aspects of organized religion, some related to my marriage, some not so much, and am not sure quite where I stand these days religiously.
Rabbi Jekyll's public persona
An excerpt from shul public relations material:
"Rabbi Jekyll is Education Director at ***.
He is a tireless teacher and educator.
For over 30 years he has taught students from third grade and up and conducted many classes for teens and adults.
Prior to joining ***, he served as director and teacher at ***.
In his varied career dedicated to promoting Yiddishkeit, he has served as Regional Director of ***, Rebbe in Talmud, Bible and World History at *** and taught grades 3-8 at the ***.
In addition, he has taught in the Hebrew High School of ***, was Bible Instructor at *** in Jerusalem. He also served as Jewish Agency Shaliach to ***.
Rabbi Jekyll loves to teach and has taught classes in the weekly parshah, Jewish history and philosophy in all of the communities where he has lived.
His range of topics for all ages is very diversified - telling Bible stories to preschoolers to Kosher Cooking. "
My comment : He can really talk the talk, he just can't walk the walk.
"Rabbi Jekyll is Education Director at ***.
He is a tireless teacher and educator.
For over 30 years he has taught students from third grade and up and conducted many classes for teens and adults.
Prior to joining ***, he served as director and teacher at ***.
In his varied career dedicated to promoting Yiddishkeit, he has served as Regional Director of ***, Rebbe in Talmud, Bible and World History at *** and taught grades 3-8 at the ***.
In addition, he has taught in the Hebrew High School of ***, was Bible Instructor at *** in Jerusalem. He also served as Jewish Agency Shaliach to ***.
Rabbi Jekyll loves to teach and has taught classes in the weekly parshah, Jewish history and philosophy in all of the communities where he has lived.
His range of topics for all ages is very diversified - telling Bible stories to preschoolers to Kosher Cooking. "
My comment : He can really talk the talk, he just can't walk the walk.
How I got myself into this in the first place and why I stayed for so long
I was still a rebellious teenager when I married him. I rebelled by becoming more religiously observant than my parents.
I grew up in a family that was part of the Modern Orthodox community, but in many ways didn't follow the rules.
Our house was basically kosher, but we ate at non-kosher restaurants. We mostly folllowed the rules about keeping Shabbat according to halacha, except when we didn't.
My mother came from a non-observant home, and found the family purity laws to be disgusting, so my parents didn't adhere to them.
I was sent to a Modern Orthodox day school and found it upsetting to spend months studying things such as birkat hanehenin (blessings said before eating food, mostly) only to have my father tell me that it was not our minhag (custom) to say them.
I was upset that my parents lived in a large community with many opportunities to learn more about religion, but never bothered availed themselves of these opportunities.
I started a youth group in my shul, and Mr. Jekyll (he didn't yet have smicha - ordination) came to be our madrich (leader).
I was very attracted to him both intellectually and physically. I thought that he was a person who was truly interested in seriously studying and observing Judaism - just what I wanted.
I craved approval. I thought that by marrying someone who knew the rules and followed, if I followed them, too, I would get that approval.
Somehow, the approval and love of God, my father, and my husband, all got confused.
I think that deep down, when RJ started showing interest in me, I thought that if anyone would want me, I had better grab them. Deep down, I FELT FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
And the thing that really worries me now is that deep down, even after years of therapy, I STILL FEEL FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
I grew up in a family that was part of the Modern Orthodox community, but in many ways didn't follow the rules.
Our house was basically kosher, but we ate at non-kosher restaurants. We mostly folllowed the rules about keeping Shabbat according to halacha, except when we didn't.
My mother came from a non-observant home, and found the family purity laws to be disgusting, so my parents didn't adhere to them.
I was sent to a Modern Orthodox day school and found it upsetting to spend months studying things such as birkat hanehenin (blessings said before eating food, mostly) only to have my father tell me that it was not our minhag (custom) to say them.
I was upset that my parents lived in a large community with many opportunities to learn more about religion, but never bothered availed themselves of these opportunities.
I started a youth group in my shul, and Mr. Jekyll (he didn't yet have smicha - ordination) came to be our madrich (leader).
I was very attracted to him both intellectually and physically. I thought that he was a person who was truly interested in seriously studying and observing Judaism - just what I wanted.
I craved approval. I thought that by marrying someone who knew the rules and followed, if I followed them, too, I would get that approval.
Somehow, the approval and love of God, my father, and my husband, all got confused.
I think that deep down, when RJ started showing interest in me, I thought that if anyone would want me, I had better grab them. Deep down, I FELT FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
And the thing that really worries me now is that deep down, even after years of therapy, I STILL FEEL FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.
Select examples of emotional abuse and my/the children's reponses to them
THE MARRIAGE
Rabbi Jekyll never had anything good to say about me.
I read dozens of books on marriage during the course of our marriage - about one book a year - and, like a good girl, made sure to compliment him and tell him what I appreciated about him regularly.
I once asked him if there was anything good that he could say about me, and he responded that "I was trying to be a good person."
When I asked him if he could say that I was a good person, he responded that only Hashem (God) could say who was good.
Early on in teh marriage, when I asked him to calean up after himself, he responded that I had a perverted sense of priorities if I expected him to clean up whne he could spend the time learning/teaching Torah.
He criticized my singing and I stopped singing.
He criticized my piano playing and I stopped playing the piano.
He gave divrei torah about the quest for graduate degrees being our generation's version of idol worship and I dropped out of graduate school.
During the month that I tried out vegetarianism, he gave a dvar torah on the conflict between vegetarianism and Judaism, and guess what? I gave it up.
During the course of the mariage, I gained 100 pounds. Granted, some of it was probably part of the natural course of things, which included 6 kids, nine pregnancies, but I believe part of it is related to all the stress caused by the marriage.
After the birth of child number 1,when I started going to Weight Watchers, I would come home from my meeting to have the smell of freshly baked/baking chocolate chip cookies/blondies/brownies greet me.
Later, within a few weeks of when I started going to Overeaters Anonymous and realized that I had become addicted to sugar and white flour, he decided to start sweet baking challah.
The only time he ever told me he loved me was after I told him I loved him.
During the first four years of the marriage, we played no music in the house because he claimed that it was forbidden zecher l'churban (in memory of the Holy Temple).
We also stopped drinking orange juice because he said that there was a machloket (rabbinical disagreement) on what bracha (blessing) to say on it and therefore it was better not to drink it at all.
He lied about taxes, insurance and bank statements.
During the last 2 months before I moved out, there were 5 incidents in which RJ left the gas stove on on the lowest flame (with no food on the stove) after he finished cooking. Four out of 5 times were on Friday night, and I felt compelled to turn the stove off each time to avert a potentially dangerous situation. When I asked him to be more careful about turning the flame off, he turned his back on me and left the room. I never got a response.
THE KIDS
He called the kids morons/imbeciles and never apologized to them or admitted that it was wrong.
He stated that it was good to yell at the kids for making mistakes such as spilling a drink.
He told the kids that it was unnecessary to clean the rooms when I asked them to, but that they should do what they wanted to.
He once was sitting with our 18 month old daughter on his lap while he was talking to a yeshiva student. Daughter fell off of his lap, onto the floor, and was screaming. He just went on taling, totally ignoring his daughter. No explanation or apology was ever offered.
He refused to discuss child raising with me at all. There was no joint effort.
If I set up rules, he refused to enforce them.
He stated that it was unnecessary to verbally teach children anything, that it was enough to set a good example for them to follow.
He publicly humiliated/harrassed the children's teachers and tutors and refused to apologize to them because he said they deserved it.
When I asked him about Maimonides' statement that one of the sins for which there was no atonement is publicly embarrassing someone, he said that it didn't apply here because they deserved it.
Rabbi Jekyll never had anything good to say about me.
I read dozens of books on marriage during the course of our marriage - about one book a year - and, like a good girl, made sure to compliment him and tell him what I appreciated about him regularly.
I once asked him if there was anything good that he could say about me, and he responded that "I was trying to be a good person."
When I asked him if he could say that I was a good person, he responded that only Hashem (God) could say who was good.
Early on in teh marriage, when I asked him to calean up after himself, he responded that I had a perverted sense of priorities if I expected him to clean up whne he could spend the time learning/teaching Torah.
He criticized my singing and I stopped singing.
He criticized my piano playing and I stopped playing the piano.
He gave divrei torah about the quest for graduate degrees being our generation's version of idol worship and I dropped out of graduate school.
During the month that I tried out vegetarianism, he gave a dvar torah on the conflict between vegetarianism and Judaism, and guess what? I gave it up.
During the course of the mariage, I gained 100 pounds. Granted, some of it was probably part of the natural course of things, which included 6 kids, nine pregnancies, but I believe part of it is related to all the stress caused by the marriage.
After the birth of child number 1,when I started going to Weight Watchers, I would come home from my meeting to have the smell of freshly baked/baking chocolate chip cookies/blondies/brownies greet me.
Later, within a few weeks of when I started going to Overeaters Anonymous and realized that I had become addicted to sugar and white flour, he decided to start sweet baking challah.
The only time he ever told me he loved me was after I told him I loved him.
During the first four years of the marriage, we played no music in the house because he claimed that it was forbidden zecher l'churban (in memory of the Holy Temple).
We also stopped drinking orange juice because he said that there was a machloket (rabbinical disagreement) on what bracha (blessing) to say on it and therefore it was better not to drink it at all.
He lied about taxes, insurance and bank statements.
During the last 2 months before I moved out, there were 5 incidents in which RJ left the gas stove on on the lowest flame (with no food on the stove) after he finished cooking. Four out of 5 times were on Friday night, and I felt compelled to turn the stove off each time to avert a potentially dangerous situation. When I asked him to be more careful about turning the flame off, he turned his back on me and left the room. I never got a response.
THE KIDS
He called the kids morons/imbeciles and never apologized to them or admitted that it was wrong.
He stated that it was good to yell at the kids for making mistakes such as spilling a drink.
He told the kids that it was unnecessary to clean the rooms when I asked them to, but that they should do what they wanted to.
He once was sitting with our 18 month old daughter on his lap while he was talking to a yeshiva student. Daughter fell off of his lap, onto the floor, and was screaming. He just went on taling, totally ignoring his daughter. No explanation or apology was ever offered.
He refused to discuss child raising with me at all. There was no joint effort.
If I set up rules, he refused to enforce them.
He stated that it was unnecessary to verbally teach children anything, that it was enough to set a good example for them to follow.
He publicly humiliated/harrassed the children's teachers and tutors and refused to apologize to them because he said they deserved it.
When I asked him about Maimonides' statement that one of the sins for which there was no atonement is publicly embarrassing someone, he said that it didn't apply here because they deserved it.
The history
The marriage was never good. That is to say, we had nice moments. But if, at any given time during the marriage, you had asked me if I was happily married, I don't think I'd have given a solid yes as an answer.
I'd say I spent about two decades in denial, and over a decade getting out of denial and getting up the guts to leave.
I once read that on the average, it takes 7 tries for an abused spouse to leave.
Rabbi Jekyll claimed that I was emotionally abusing him during the last decade by repeatedly threatening to leave. I actually left and came back once after he wooed me back. He left me and came back once after begged him to return.
Crazy, no? But it's part of the dynamics of that kind of relationship.
I'd say I spent about two decades in denial, and over a decade getting out of denial and getting up the guts to leave.
I once read that on the average, it takes 7 tries for an abused spouse to leave.
Rabbi Jekyll claimed that I was emotionally abusing him during the last decade by repeatedly threatening to leave. I actually left and came back once after he wooed me back. He left me and came back once after begged him to return.
Crazy, no? But it's part of the dynamics of that kind of relationship.
Why am I doing this now?
I thought about blogging during the last few years of the marriage, when I was finally out of my denial about the abuse, but never got around to it. I didn't have much energy, and was worried about exposing myself, making a fool of myself, etc.
After the divorce, I didn't want to think about the past, but every time I had to deal with something related to the kids, the same issues come up. We are unable to function as a united parent unit. The communication betrween us is terrible.
Also, I'm afraid I haven't changed enough even after 8 years of therapy to ever be able to have a healthy relationship, and I need to figure out where I am emotionally.
After the divorce, I didn't want to think about the past, but every time I had to deal with something related to the kids, the same issues come up. We are unable to function as a united parent unit. The communication betrween us is terrible.
Also, I'm afraid I haven't changed enough even after 8 years of therapy to ever be able to have a healthy relationship, and I need to figure out where I am emotionally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)