How I got myself into this in the first place and why I stayed for so long

I was still a rebellious teenager when I married him. I rebelled by becoming more religiously observant than my parents.

I grew up in a family that was part of the Modern Orthodox community, but in many ways didn't follow the rules.

Our house was basically kosher, but we ate at non-kosher restaurants. We mostly folllowed the rules about keeping Shabbat according to halacha, except when we didn't.

My mother came from a non-observant home, and found the family purity laws to be disgusting, so my parents didn't adhere to them.

I was sent to a Modern Orthodox day school and found it upsetting to spend months studying things such as birkat hanehenin (blessings said before eating food, mostly) only to have my father tell me that it was not our minhag (custom) to say them.

I was upset that my parents lived in a large community with many opportunities to learn more about religion, but never bothered availed themselves of these opportunities.

I started a youth group in my shul, and Mr. Jekyll (he didn't yet have smicha - ordination) came to be our madrich (leader).

I was very attracted to him both intellectually and physically. I thought that he was a person who was truly interested in seriously studying and observing Judaism - just what I wanted.

I craved approval. I thought that by marrying someone who knew the rules and followed, if I followed them, too, I would get that approval.

Somehow, the approval and love of God, my father, and my husband, all got confused.

I think that deep down, when RJ started showing interest in me, I thought that if anyone would want me, I had better grab them. Deep down, I FELT FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.

And the thing that really worries me now is that deep down, even after years of therapy, I STILL FEEL FUNDAMENTALLY UNLOVEABLE.